Guide to France

[sillKotscha]

sorry for being completly OT but this one here is a must read!!!


The following advice for American travellers going to France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the CIA, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control
[and some really, really expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. :D]

It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with no decent shops. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many WILL speak English, if shouted at.

People

France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 4 million are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously smelly, and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in general, gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined;
those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier recognition.

Safety in general

France is a safe destination, although travelers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and the increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.

History

France's historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are> held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love administration so for governmental purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns,communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though confusingly they are both on the ground floor), and whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveler.
Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain. According to the most current American State Department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if french people did not inhabit it. The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.

[hakko504]

Where did you find this? It's really funny. Do you have something on other countries as well?

And I'm not going to fall for the temptation of saying how true this is to reality :rolleyes:

[Lord Sandwich]

LOL! I temp at a French bank. I should post this on my cubicle. :p

[Nic]

Nothing like a bit of racism hey?
i.e. I dont really appreciate this kind of thing here, IMHO.

-Nic

[Dark-Cracker]

>The French people are in general, gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined.

personaly i don't appreciate it too . i come from france but i am enought smart to not post what i am thinking of the (german) people who post this sort of msg.

[Doom9]

come on people, where's your sense of humor? I had a few good laughs and I don't think it's racist at all. In fact, anyone who knows just a little about France and its people knows that pretty much everything in this "traveler's guide" is a bunch of bs.. highly exaggerated and twisting a lot of facts. You can't put the Louvre and EuroDisney on one line as history national treasure and take it seriously, can you? In fact I think if anyone comes off looking bad here it's the average American who according to this doesn't know j/s about France.
Anybody who thinks that the things written about France are true should pack up their bags, go there and see for themselves. I bet you that once you come back your picture will have shifted considerably.
I have seen ridiculous portraits of my native country many times but I've never taken offense... I take these things with a grain of salt as they are usually not meant to insult anybody.

[WorldBook]

Funny :D

[markrb]

This is so close to how the Average American see's the French as I am sure there are many that see us just as bad if not worse.
I have met a few people from France myself and according to one guy who was from way outside Paris this is what the people outside Paris feel about the people in Paris. He said it's that one city that gives the whole country a bad rep. I have never been there myself so I can't say one way or the other, but I found it kind of funny that this guy from France feels this way about Paris.

I did take it as a joke and I have seen these for all ethnic groups and even my own. I don't take it personally. It's a joke.

Mark

[sillKotscha]

oh my dear...

@Dark-Cracker et al.

this message is by no mean my opinion!! I can't even count any more how often I went to france. J'embrasse les francais et je ne comprends pas que tu pense je suis un rasist. Il me manque les mots pour exprimer que je suis tout le contraire!!! Actually ~ 8 years ago I went on an school exchange for about 3 month to france. Je suis etait a Périgeux - c'était le meilleur temps de ma vie. As doom9 stated it is (obviously not for everyone) some kind of a funny view how americans tend to see "good ol' europe" - and especially france. Where do you read racist elements in it??

Aside from that, the germans are getting a side blow as well - read the last sentence.

@hakko504

no, I haven't more of these funny lines - this a email sent by my little cousin... and she lives in france!!

I thought you would laugh as I did because it shows how narrow minded americans can be!!!!


cheers Sill

[markrb]

I thought you would laugh as I did because it shows how narrow minded americans can be!!!! Now be fair. It should read:
I thought you would laugh as I did because it shows how narrow minded people can be!!!!

We Americans are not the only ones that can be narrow minded.

Mark

[killingspree]

very fuuny...

and not offensive in any way... :-P

IMHO at least, and yes i have read many of these articles about my own country too ... i'Ve got a fairly good imprssions on what americans tend to think about my culture too; i've been on an "Oktoberfest"- Party in San Diego and it is just ridiculous :-P (anyway - have been to the real Oktoberfest many times and it is a great experience every time i go there :D )

steVe

PS: would be very funny to have a comparable review for the german speaking nations too :-P

[ReTroAcTive]

this looks more like an internet forward e mail joke then anything else. i wouldnt judge americans, or french for that matter, by its contents.

[ReTroAcTive]

Originally posted by sillKotscha


I thought you would laugh as I did because it shows how narrow minded americans can be!!!!


cheers Sill

i think the design of the e mail was to get a response like that. it could have been written by someone that wasnt an american, to make you feel this way about americans.

[sillKotscha]

@markrb

ok, in general you are absolutly right but I have to unwrap my good old 'book of fairy tales'.

once - back in school time - we had an american/german school exchange. I think it was the time I was in the 10th grade, round about 10 years back.

For about two weeks we had this exchange [HighSchool !!!!!] class from W - D.C. ... and now prick up your ears: beneath them they were some people who thought that germany is still dominated by some kind of military dictatorship.

Another example... they were so impressed that german teenager listen to the same kind of music, like the same food (in general), etc.

Then they saw our cap-driver... and were impressed too, 'cause nearly every taxi is mercedes benz and so on and so on.

Ask yourself what do know of germany (and don't even think of the last generous words of Mr. W. Bush who throwed germany in one line with cuba and lybia). Most americans tend to think of germany as the one and only country known for "Oktoberfest", "Blitzkrieg" and "Bayern - Bavaria". On the other hand the everage german joe thinks about france for example as the country known for baguette, red vine, croissant etc. Then they're the british - the ones that think of germans as "krauts" or the other way around... the everage german that thinks that every english man/ woman is drinking tea.

This is all not true, we know that but everyone has to live with prejudices. To fight them I can only invite you to my country and go clubbing with you or go to a bar drinking a beer with you... these sort of things.

Please don't feel offended but in general espacially americans are the ones who are narrow minded concerning the peculiarities of other countries. But this isn't ment negative because it is clear (at least for me). What is the most spoken language... english, that leads to the point that nearly everyone can talk to an american in their native language but you will hardly find americans who can talk to others in their native language. Americans don't have to bother about it!

But if someone don't know nothing about a foreign language than it is hard to understand the culture of a country or the roots. That's the point. If I would go to a foreign country without knowing how to speak at least a little of they native language (to order a beer or whatever, at least the basic things) than I could say... ah, every foreigner is stupid because they can't talk to me.

Oh, Oh I really can't express myself very clear and i think that it's hard to understand what I like to say. It wasn't ment to offend someone.

regards Sill

[Buddy]

Well it is nice to have a good laugh over those silly americans. The American graves in Europe shows how bright the Europeans are.

[killingspree]

welcome to the world of STEREOTYPES :-P

steVe

PS: oh just want to add a quote a 18 year old student told a friend of mine just a week ago before he traveled home after half a year of high school education in Seattle, "Oh, I am aware of the fact that we [americans] don't know sh** about other countries. But that doesn't matter because we are the most important nation anyway!"




no offence though, i have met quite a few americans who proove exactly the opposite (:

[Dark-Cracker]

@sillKotscha

:) it seems i have misunderstand this post, but a lot of people who have a limited knowledge in english (like me :) ) can misunderstand this msg and give it a wrong sense.

PS: i live near "périgeux", and near "agen" too :)

[Buddy]

PS: oh just want to add a quote a 18 year old student told a friend of mine just a week ago before he traveled home after half a year of high school education in Seattle, "Oh, I am aware of the fact that we [americans] don't know sh** about other countries. But that doesn't matter because we are the most important nation anyway!"



No that is austria

[markrb]

I am not saying American's are not narrow minded, we are for sure, but so is most of the world.

The one thing that most other countries have that we don't is the closeness of other countries. For me to go to Mexico I have to drive almost 2000 miles. Canada is much closer, but other then that where else can I go without an 18 hour flight and thousands of dollars?
Those in Europe have a much easier time to visit other lands and enjoy the culture.
But that doesn't matter because we are the most important nation anyway!" You don't have to be American to be this stupid.

I have met and had deep discussions with enough people from other countries to know that National Pride and prejuduce is not an American thing, it is a human thing.

For every American that says these things there are just as many from other countries that do it too. What is different is what people choose to remember.
There is a poplular myth that more babies are born on a full moon then at any other time. This is false, but what is true is that people will note the fact of a full moon and ignore the other days.

Mark

[sillKotscha]

Originally posted by markrb
The one thing that most other countries have that we don't is the closeness of other countries. For me to go to Mexico I have to drive almost 2000 miles. Canada is much closer, but other then that where else can I go without an 18 hour flight and thousands of dollars?
Those in Europe have a much easier time to visit other lands and enjoy the culture.

this is really true - never really thought about it... although it is the first thing that should have come to my mind!!

You are really a gentleman, 'cause you understood the way I felt to express myself - thanks.

with kind regards

Sill

P.S:

btw, this fabulous webboard is the best proof that everyone can talk to each other without any prejuduce...

[killingspree]

Originally posted by markrb

The one thing that most other countries have that we don't is the closeness of other countries. For me to go to Mexico I have to drive almost 2000 miles. Canada is much closer, but other then that where else can I go without an 18 hour flight and thousands of dollars?
Those in Europe have a much easier time to visit other lands and enjoy the culture.


true
just from my example:
10 minutes to germany
1.5 hours to the tscheck repbulic
2.5 hours to italy
3.5 hours to hungary
4 hours to switzerland
5 hours to slovenia
6 hours to france (southern)

oh and not to forget (4 hours drive and i can be ANYwhere in my nice little country :-P and this includes the very last spot in the middle of nowhere - if this is possible over here in europe :)

regards
steVe

[Buddy]

btw, this fabulous webboard is the best proof that everyone can talk to each other without any prejuduce...


You only took a lousy time to do it.

[sillKotscha]

Originally posted by Buddy
You only took a lousy time to do it.

:confused: go elsewhere...

[Buddy]

You know what is going on in the world. At the moment many people are writing crap about americans. I don't like that and I thought I should mention that. I live in holland and I'm of german-france descent and have many friends in the States. You don't know the crap I hear here over germans and french. As one of mankind I don't like that either. You should not publish story's you heard from others.

If you like I can tell you some crap I hear here about germans. It could be funny but I don't think you like it.

[markrb]

Come on man nobody is blind to what is going on in the world, but lets leave it out of this place. I come here to get away from such talk and have a little fun. This post is harmless in that it pokes a little fun at several countries that are all involved in high tension right now.

If you can't laugh when times are tough then time becomes tougher.

Plus most people from other countries tend to forget that this country is widely divided over the current crisis as well. This even further pushes my point that all Americans are not a stereotype and I am sure sillKotscha fully understands this.

Mark

[sillKotscha]

Originally posted by markrb
Plus most people from other countries tend to forget that this country is widely divided over the current crisis as well.

yes, true - I'm thinking of these naked women demonstrating in N.Y. against a war... but it was too cold for them and the demonstration only took about ten minutes :D

[Mrafrohead]

Just to drop in a quick note...

As an American, that letter may have been written by an American poking fun, but that's not what most Americans think. Or at least those that I have spoken to.

Although I will say this, it was funnier than hell to read. It's nice to see a little humor in these very tense times.

I don't recall the name of the starter of this thread, but thank you for the post. It was nice to have my spirits lifted a little;)

Another note, I hope this doesn't ruffle feathers, but I saw a few accusational posts. Come on guys. Let's try to keep it civil and joviel here. It's tense enough in RL, let's try to just have some fun in here;)

Mrafrohead :D

[sillKotscha]

ok folks...

after rereading this post I have to share another one ;)

it is a short advert_clip, very old but very good (don't get upset because of the way it is encoded - as I said, very old)

what does it show:

1. my sense of humour
2. the misunderstanding between people
3. english, as the nr.1 world language... everyone can understand this humour (but doesn't have to share it of course)
4. Buddy my netherland friend, you'll love it, hehe :devil:
5. just a little bit of fun...

as markrb said:

If you can't laugh when times are tough then time becomes tougher.

here it is...

dutchtone_(4.1MB) (http://www.sahnau.de/skotscha/dutchtone.rar)

cheers Sill

[robUx4]

Originally posted by Nic
Nothing like a bit of racism hey?
i.e. I dont really appreciate this kind of thing here, IMHO.

-Nic

I'm french and I really had a good laugh :D
Apart from the culture part, the rest is very good :)

[Nic]

LoL, im glad everyone took it with good heart :) For me it did come across as offensive to the french, but im obviously too sensitive when it comes to that stuff :) Humour that is based on stereotypes, race or tabboo has never been funny to me. But thats just me :)

Cheers,
-Nic

[cyberyeye]

This post is a real Bushery :-)

LOL

Very funny like this joke:

<< Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him :
- You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are ?
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks :
- Could I have a blackboard and some chalk ?
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
-You really ARE Einstein ! he says. Welcome to heaven !

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks :
- Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk ?
Saint Peter says :
- Go ahead.
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps.
- Surely you are the great artist you claim to be ! he says. Come on in !

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says :
- Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours ?
George W. looks bewildered and says :
- Who are Einstein and Picasso ?
Saint Peter sighs and says
- Come on in, George. >>


Funny joke ;)


Another one :

<< A plane is on the point of crasher. There are 5 people has edge and only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger known as: "I am Kobe Bryant, the best player of the NBA. Lakers need me. I cannot die ". It took a parachute and jumped.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton known as: "I am the woman of the ex president of the USA. I am also the most ambitious woman on ground and I am a senator of New York and a potential president of the USA... "Elle took the second parachute and jumped.

The third passenger, George W Bush known as: "I am the president of the USA I have great responsibilities. I am the leader of the free world and the greatest world nation. And over that, I am the most intelligent president of the American History, therefore the Americans do not want to see me dying ". He put the third parachute and jumped.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, known as with the fifth passenger, small schoolboy a 10 year old: "I am old and sick and it does not remain me much of time on ground in any event.

As a catholic, I give you to the last parachute... "the kid answered: "Not, it is good, it remains a parachute for you.

The most intelligent president of the American History took my bag...>>

Tranlate in google sorry for the crappy translation...

Don't hesitate to post joke on french peaople, a joke is just a joke: no more :-)

[wmansir]

Frankly I'm very offended by sillKotscha's blatent discrimation agianst SVCD!

[chemmajik]

Theres a joke that goes you call a major french business especially hotel you ask, "Do you speak english, they say yes, do you speak german, and they say no, and then say I wonder why, NOT?!

[nFury8]

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the
British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I
believe zee English pronounce zat word, 'appiness"

[sillKotscha]

Originally posted by wmansir
Frankly I'm very offended by sillKotscha's blatent discrimation agianst SVCD!

hehe that's the way (ahaha) i like it :D

[Ookami]

Originally posted by wmansir
Frankly I'm very offended by sillKotscha's blatent discrimation agianst SVCD!

ROTFL

:D

I agree... You know, people fear things they don't know/understand!! sillKotscha, did you read the SVCD guides, or have you just believed everything the AVI/OGM crowd told you?

BTW, a good joke on the whole "preventing war by going to war crisis" is this, note how it makes fun of all sides of the problem: http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ . Hope that I will not cause a thread drift or political discussion :scared: .

Cheers,

Mijo.

[Guest]

Originally posted by Nic
But thats just me :) No. I'm with you on this. There are ample other forums for such idiocy.

[robUx4]

Originally posted by chemmajik
Theres a joke that goes you call a major french business especially hotel you ask, "Do you speak english, they say yes, do you speak german, and they say no, and then say I wonder why, NOT?!

Because England won the war :)

[BlackSun]

oh well I'm not french, I'm from reunion island :D

[robUx4]

Originally posted by BlackSun
oh well I'm not french, I'm from reunion island :D

Not for a long time :rolleyes:
:(

[BaronVlad]

Hi Mijo,

Originally posted by Ookami
did you read the SVCD guides,

No. Should we do this ? I tried to encode a movie using TMPEG and got one still image, that doesnt happen with VDub...:D


Originally posted by Ookami
or have you just believed everything the AVI/OGM crowd told you?


We are from Germany. We believe everything that is told by anybody.:)

BTW, dont know if we had this here already, think it is funny (I am NOT against anybody form any country in the whole wide web äh world, it is just fun and as we have the most stupid chancelor in the world we also can make fun out of other presidents I think...):

-------------Schnipp--------------

> Nice conversation of Bush Jr (hmm!) with Condi Rice after Hu Jintao was
> named chief of the Communist Party in China.
> (We take you now to the Oval Office.)
> George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
> Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
> George: Great. Lay it on me.
> Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
> George: That's what I want to know.
> Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
> George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
> Condi: Yes.
> George: I mean the fellow's name.
> Condi: Hu.
> George: The guy in China.
> Condi: Hu.
> George: The new leader of China.
> Condi: Hu.
> George: The Chinaman!
> Condi: Hu is leading China.
> George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
> Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
> George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
> Condi: That's the man's name.
> George: That's who's name?
> Condi: Yes.
> George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader?
> Condi: Yes, sir.
> George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
> East.
> Condi: That's correct.
> George: Then who is in China?
> Condi: Yes, sir.
> George: Yassir is in China?
> Condi: No, sir.
> George: Then who is?
> Condi: Yes, sir.
> George: Yassir?
> Condi: No, sir.
> George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
> Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
> Condi: Kofi?
> George: No, thanks.
> Condi: You want Kofi?
> George: No.
> Condi: You don't want Kofi.
> George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
> then get me the U.N.
> Condi: Yes, sir.
> George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
> Condi: Kofi?
> George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
> Condi: And call who?
> George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
> Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
> George: Will you stay out of China?!
> Condi: Yes, sir.
> George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
> Condi: Kofi.
> George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
> (Condi picks up the phone.)
> Condi: Rice, here.
> George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
> send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
> food in the Middle East?

---------Schnapp-----------------------

[hakko504]

And for those of you who don't have heard the original version of the last joke, here it is:
Who's on First
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: Right, certainly do.
Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, and…
Costello: His brother Daffy?
Abbott: Daffy Dean.
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofe’.
Abbott: Goofe’ Dean, oh I see! Well let’s see, we have on the bags, we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third.
Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know’s on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You going to be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don’t know the fellow’s names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who is on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy playing first base.
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I’m asking you who’s on first!
Abbott: That’s the man’s name.
Costello: That’s whose name?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yeah.
(Pause)
Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who’s playing first?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets the money.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Who gets the money on first base?
Abbott: He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott: Yes. (Pause) What’s wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign it?
Abbott: That’s how he signs it!
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
(Pause)
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base.
Abbott: No, what’s on second base.
Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second.
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well don’t change the players around!
Costello: I’m not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: All I’m asking you, who’s the guy on first base?!
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: Okay.
Abbott: Alright.
(Pause)
Costello: What’s the guy’s name on first base?!
Abbott: No, What is on second!
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second!
Abbott: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: Oh, he’s on third. We’re not talking about him. Now let’s get back to first.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Well you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say’s playing third?
Abbott: No, Who’s playing first.
Costello: What’s on first?
Abbott: What’s on second.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: He’s on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again! Will you stay on third base and don’t go off it?
Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who’s playing third base?!
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third?!
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: You don’t want who on second?!
Abbott: No, Who is on first.
Costello: I don’t know!
Both: Third base!
(Pause)
Costello: Look, you got outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott: Well I just thought I’d tell you.
Costello: Then tell me who is playing left field.
Abbott: Who is playing first.
Costello: I’m not…Stay out of the infield! I want to know, what’s the guy’s name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second.
Abbott: No, Who is on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Both: Third base!
(Pause)
Costello: And left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why!
Costello: Because.
Abbott: No, he’s center field.
Costello: (Fumbles words loudly)
Abbott: Well that’s the fellow’s name.
Costello: Look, look, look, you got a pitcher?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher’s name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?
Abbott: I’m telling you then.
Costello: Well go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s pitching?
Abbott: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on…
Costello: I’ll break your arm you say who’s on first! I want to know, what’s the pitcher’s name?
Abbott: What’s on second!
Costello: I don’t know!
Both: Third base!
(Pause)
Costello: Got a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher’s name.
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today? And tomorrow’s pitching?
Abbott: Now you’ve got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. You know, I’m a catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrow’s pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball, and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that’s the first thing that you’ve said right.
Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
Abbott: Well that’s all you have to do!
Costello: Is throw the ball to first base?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Now who’s got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
(Pause)
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s got to get it. Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally?
Abbott: No you don’t! You throw the ball to Who!
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s different.
Costello: That’s what I said.
Abbott: You’re not saying that.
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally?
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s what I said!
Abbott: Listen, you ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Same as you!
Abbott: You just changed them around.
Costello: Same as you! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, the guy runs to second, who picks up the ball, throw’s it to what, what throw’s it to I don’t know, I don’t know throw’s it back to tomorrow, triple play!
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Another guy gets up, and it’s a long fly ball to because. Why? I don’t know, he’s on third, and I don’t give a darn!
Abbott: Oh…What?
Costello: I said, I don’t give a darn!
Abbott:Costello: Oh, that’s our short stop.
Costello: (Fumbles words loudly)


If you want to listen to them, then head over to Abbot & Costello's home page (http://www.abbottandcostello.net)

[rmatei]

Having lived in France & the states (and Germany)... You know why the French and Americans make fun of each other so much? Because they're so alike.

After all, the world is too small a place for two overly proud, self-important, arrogant, well-developed, politically powerful countries.