Forgive me - this is outrageously off-topic, but I just couldn't resist d:oD)

[Arky]

:D :


A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. They were ecstatic.



When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the porch... :D


(Thanks to Gav @ TGA for that one...)


Arky ;o)

[Ookami]

Just great! :D Feel free to use this thread to add more jokes (not only you, all the other members too).

Please, let keep 'em nice and clean. Ok?!

Cheers,

Ookie.

[Acaila]

Ok, credit for this goes to dje007 of 2cpu.com, but I thought it was funny enough to quote here as well :)
A little geek humor for the day
If Operating Systems Ran Airlines:

> UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.
They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

> Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again.
Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

> Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same.
Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
And the flights all go wherever the pilot damn well pleases, regardless of where you're trying to go.

> Windows NT Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.
After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

> Windows Air
Just like Windows NT Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40 mile radius when it explodes.

> Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.
They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.
They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.
When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.
You take the seat to a location of your choice and bolt it into the deck, per the instructions.
Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful.
You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat??? ... "

[DJ Bobo]

@ Arky
Excuse my ignorance, why is the milkman dead and what's his relation with the whole story anyway?!

@ Acaila
Nice one ;)

[adam]

The machine transferred the pain to the father, the milkman died from the pain so apparantly he was the father, therefore the wife was having an affair with him. It's not nearly as funny when you tell it this way.

[Arky]

@ Adam - when you have to explain it like that, it's funny in itself, TRUST ME! :D
lol

Just kidding, DJ ;)


Arky ;o)

[mpucoder]

What's a milkman? j/k, I'm old enough to remember.

[Arky]

You don't mean "Dad", I trust, MPU??? ;)


Arky ;o)

[midiguy]

This isn't really a joke, but is just a nice story that makes you think. I received it in an email:

The Wooden Bowl
---------------
I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide somethi ng with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about.
I just did.

[DJ Bobo]

@ adam / Arky
Thanks, I understand now :D
I just thought the machine was directly connected with cables or something to the husband, that's why I didn't understand.

@ midiguy
Very nice one, I wanna cry :-(

[dvd2svcd]

Desperately seeking technical support! I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right.

As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus.

After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan, I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0.- this time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is still written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally object-oriented. A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay-Resident version. He discovered girlfriendPlus1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did.

But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog." It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is that it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law 1.0, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway, due to insufficient resources.

Is anybody out there able to offer technical advice?

[Arky]

I hate trialware.

REFORMAT!!!!

...if only life was as simple as that... :scared:


Arky ;o)

[GregS]

* Offending posting deleted by the moderator *

"Please, let keep 'em nice and clean. Ok?!"

Is this sentence so hard to understand? Jeez.

[Apfelstruhdl]

* Offending posting deleted by the moderator*

I wrote keep it nice and clean and I meant it...

It's a shame. Sigh.